On a Perpetual State of Neutrality

As I am writing this blog, you should know that I am in a trance of Sam Smith's "Too Good at Goodbyes" and I have my new favorite coffee with me. Hence, anything written in this post could be in the midst of a heightened anger or a surge of overwhelming feeling.

But all the niceties aside, my point of writing is that I feel open and exposed. Lately, I have been learning the art of smiling and laughing out loud. Laughing at small things. Smiling at stupid situations and even at my own mistakes. Although for a person who has always been composed and my emotions bottled up, this is quite liberating.

Freely letting people in, in my life is a big leap of faith. I hate having too many human beings inside my small territory. I hate having people know my likes and dislikes because by then, I might have made an emotional investment and even creating connections with strangers. This is a part of growing up. Inevitable even. But I hate this transition period.

It is terrifying but at the same time liberating. It feels like I do not need to hide my true self but I am terrified of how the world might accept me as well. I think I am not an awful human being but I am not prepared for the whole world to know me. I am confident hiding in my intimidating facade and be someone that is deemed to be scary.

With my mind set on being neutral, all I get are disappointments. I cannot seem to achieve that state of neutrality, instead, I just get constantly anxious on everything that happens. I see how unfair the world can get. I see everything that my own little perfect world cannot handle. I see how things can be so easy for the entitled and how hard things can go for the poor. I see how dreams can easily be achieved by some while things may have to take U-turns for most people. With this inequality alone, I have to live with this fact.

This constant state of anxiety and unspoken depression I am in, I really do not know what I want in life. I hear compliments. I hear appreciation. But it will not make sense if I cannot see what these people appreciate in me. I have to have that unconditional love for myself first. Love everything that I am and everything that I hope to be.

I wrote this post not as a narcissist but as a person who is struggling to love myself. A person who is making her way through life, meeting people, failing and succeeding. There is a long journey waiting for me. I need to be stronger and tougher. I need to be a strong woman that I have always visioned myself to be.

And if you are another lost soul and you happened to open this post of mine, I hope I have touched your life in one way or another. I do not mean to radiate my self-depreciating thoughts but I just want to send out a message to everyone that whatever anxiety and depression you are feeling right now, it is normal. You are growing. You are learning and you are getting there.