Indulging my headspace

With a few extra time on my hand, I finally decided to go back to my dear old blog. Honestly, if I was brave enough to fight for my passion, I would rather be a content writer and a full time reader my whole life. I guess, regardless of how much I channel a strong persona, I am just not brave enough to trade practicality for passion. 

I have never been a crowd-pleaser. I do not follow the trend and I do not live for people to like me. I learned that at a very young age. No matter how I try to be nice and accommodate everybody, I know that I cannot please them. Hence, my DGAF game is strong af. But for some reasons, I still end up getting the social media disease of comparing my life to others. 

I mean I cannot deny that I have my fair share of idols and inspirations in social media. In fact, it is my driving force to do better and be like them. And when I feel drained and uninspired I go to their blogs and Youtube videos to get inspired again or go to the mall and visit my favorite brands to remind me why I cannot be ordinary because I like expensive shit. lol

Today, I am very frustrated that no matter how hard I push it, I just could not bring myself up to be happy. I just slept through a training and I feel so unprofessional for it. And I woke up feeling mediocre again that I question why do I even have to live one more day for this mediocrity.

Deep inside, I know what is missing. I am tired and exhausted. Not physically but all aspects of my life. I need to rest and need to find a new environment that does not smell of familiarity. I know that escaping and leaving is not always the answer but I feel like I am still at war with myself. I need to heal from many things and even being 3-5hrs away from home still feels like I am so near.

Most of my friends would say that there is no actual need for me to leave our place as I was living comfortably. Indeed, I was. But my reasons for leaving were not connected to my comfortable life, it was for the need to isolate myself and build my own reputation in another field. Be globally competitive, they say. Though my search for independence has been planting immense self doubt and lack of peace of mind, I still continue to fight until I can conquer my own demons.

This blog post is not necessarily a good one as I wrote this in a moment of unexplained low mood and the lack of motivation to keep going. I am not in anyway asking for people to come to their rescue because I am not depressed. lol. One thing is certain, I am mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted. I need a new environment, a new thing to do and a new place to plant roots on. 

I am waiting for a sign, a chance, an opportunity for this to be realized. I will be patiently waiting. But as for now, I will keep hustling. Take it one day at a time, and things will fall into place soon. 

This blog has been in opened tabs in my laptop for more than a week now but I never found the will to finish it nor the right words to give justice to the photos. My writing has become rustic and my reflective brain cells is yet to be retrieved.

To end this post, one thing I have learned about literature is that writing connects people. I am pretty sure someone, somehow will stumble upon this humble write up and would share the same sentiments that I have. Cliche as it may seem, this will all end and better days are coming our way. We need to trust in that. I need to trust in that. :)


I'm gonna update soon. Catch ya laters! <3

**everything is unedited, lol including grammar. soo....will revise later