Hey you guys! How have you been? I missed this blog, my readers and everything I used to do in here. I missed life, generally. How have I been, you ask? I've been doing fine I guess. I am getting by with my life, school and work. I think. Or maybe not. Actually, my life is on the rocks right now. I feel bad and I feel miserable and sad. I do not really want to dwell on the negative, but if I do not let this out, I might explode one of this days and I might never be sane again.
I really cannot pinpoint when this feeling started, but I feel so lost for the past two years of my life. When I was 17 years old, I thought I had figured my life out. I thought I was so straightforward on my goal and firm on my destination. I do not know what happened midway that I took a whole new different foreign direction and I am struggling finding my way out.
After March last year, I just realized that I do not know where to go next. All I know was that I want to be rich, travel the world and be glamorous. My mind was too big and yet my actions and efforts are too small. I want everything to be grand but I am not aware that I am not working on it at all. I do not know where my goals went, but the next thing I knew I was doing something that is spontaneous and alien.
Last year was both a success and failure for me. It was a success in a sense that I graduated with honors and passed the LET exam and at the same time landed my first paying job. But it was a failure in a way law school and I are related. Ever since I entered law school, I have lost my way. I do not know what I am doing, why I am doing this or whether I should continue this or not. I have talked myself out of this thing a million times, but I always find myself going to school, battling for oral recitations and studying hard for exams. I thought if I give this one more shot maybe I can find solace in pressure. I thought that if I give it another try, I might find my place somewhere in the legal profession. But every time my nerves will get into me, I always end up believing I am not made for this thing. I think I am better off somewhere. It only ends up with me enrolling and buying books for the second semester.
The second semester came, and everyday I am forcing myself to believe that I am going to enjoy this and I am going to be better this time. But as day goes by, I feel more and more empty and more frustrated. I am drifting farther away from my dreams, from my life and from everything that gives me happiness. I look myself at the mirror and I feel so detached from my soul, I am like a robot programmed on the same routine everyday. I lost the excitement of living. I sleep, wake up, do chores, work and study. Repeat. When I look around me, I am jealous of the people who seem so happy taking on adventures and living a carefree and happy life. But when I reflect on my life, I only realized how stuck up I am in my room, staying here for 18 hours a day with my computer or books. I have no other things to do in life and I feel so bored and tired and unsatisfied.
I hate to ponder on these things because I do not want to be miserable. However, the more I try to elude from such thought, the more it consumes me. For the past days, I have been evil and I hated everyone I see. I hated everyone that disturbs me. I hate the world, basically. I have reached the point where I am about to give up breathing and die. I am so tired with my life. I worked hard, I am doing everything they tell me but I am not happy. I feel so trapped and I feel so suffocated. Everybody's telling me what to do, everybody wants to control my life and I am so tired already. I hope they understand I am not a genius, I am not a superhuman and I am not invincible. They have to slow down demanding a lot from me. Even if they do not voice it out, their actions show that they are expecting so much from me. They have the biggest dream for me but they forgot to ask me if I am still happy with what I am doing. They said they do not pressure me but I know they are expecting a lot from me.
It is just so sad that when I open up my real goals to them, they tend to not comment about it. They say they support me but I know they do not. They want me to finish law first before I can do my personal goals. Law is good. Law is promising. But do I belong here? Am I willing to sacrifice the next years of my life doing something I do not really want. Everyday, I always wake up with a clouded mind. I force myself to enjoy and be happy about what I am doing. I am trying my best to give justice to my tuition fee and expensive books but my best is never enough for the teacher. I always seem to be short in delivering what is asked of me. It is sad because I easily get disappointed with myself. Sometimes, I end up having depression, too much stress and I think of things that are not supposed to be.
They told me not to be stressed. They told me to just relax and study hard and avoid overthinking and overdoing. But in reality, what I need is air, space and time for myself. I need to breathe. I need a time to find my balance. I know I am burnt out. I have had no rest since graduation. I need a new environment where I can put my mind and soul at ease. But they will never understand that because I am invincible to their eyes. They will never hear out my side because they think I can do it all. But I cannot. I need rest. I need a fresh start. I need a break.
The sad thing about this situation right now, I have lost my passion. I go to malls to unwind, but shoes and bags do not excite me anymore. I go to fashion and travel blogs and everytime I attempt to write my own article on the topic, I do not know how to start writing. I have been so lost. I want to go back home to myself. I want to start again. I just want to live my life again.
I really do not want to hold you long anymore for my rants, so I am going to stop here. I will leave you with a message: Know your passion and follow it. Do not let people or your own achievements stir you away from your original goal. Stick to the plan but be flexible in your approach. Do not listen too much to people because 10% of what they say will only apply to you. If you listen too much, you will become their concept of their own ideal self not of your self. So work hard, pray hard and enjoy life.