No, I am not judging you. I just have the disease of wanting everything to be perfect even if it will never be. I wanted everyone to fit in my standards even if we all know this is impossible. But, I do it anyway.
My mind is both heaven and hell. It can be filled with the most beautiful things and my imagination can go beyond awesome but it can turn into something horrific in a split second too. It all depends on my mood. I can destroy everything-- even my life in one minute once my mind starts thinking dark things. And that is the scary part of me.
One of my biggest water loo is the lack of self-confidence. For years, I have been trying to figure out why I always shy away from social gatherings and why I feel suffocated when there are more than three people in a room. I hate being in a crowd unless it is an unfamiliar one. I hate mingling with people. I always have the notion that socializing means faking everything. And I simply detest the thought of it.
But all these excuses of socializing boils down to one reason: I don't have confidence. I do not see myself as someone who would want to be a crowd pleaser. I cannot pretend that I am interested in listening to the latest gossip. I cannot even pretend to talk like the smartest person in the room because I am simply like that. My lack of confidence is making me aloof.
Reading this article, you might think that I am talking nonsense. But in a world polluted with people who are full of themselves, we just need to keep up with the competition of being your boss' favorite or being miss goody two shoes. Forgive me, but can work ethics and skills be the reason why we succeed in life?
Ever since I finished college, I have been practicing the art of multitasking and letting go of the useless pursuit of perfection. But guess what? I constantly fail.
I just could not serve two masters at the same time. And every time I fail, I get disappointed easily. My disappointment turns into depression and I get the conclusion of how much of a loser I am.
But lately, now that I am being put to test with the current situation, I figured that there is no other way but to get through all of this mess. It is a matter of projection and convincing myself that things will turn out fine in the end.
4. I have spent have of my blog entry looking down at myself
But you know what is amazing? I may be doubting myself in the past years but I still keep on fighting for the day wherein I will see the best version of me. I hope I am doing enough every single day to improve and be better than who I was yesterday. I accept that I am one of the most flawed individuals on earth today but it does not make me less of a person. My flaws and my scars are proof that I am doing something in my life. My disappointments are proof that I challenging myself to go out of my comfort zone.
Today, I may be struggling but I know tomorrow, this will all make sense. Sorry for an emotional rant on the blog. I just realized how I desperately need that "pep" talk with myself to keep me sane from all the demands of my daily endeavor.