Escape ( not a Pina Colada Song)

To be honest, I have been staring at the screen for an hour now thinking of ways on how to start wrapping up my 2019. I do not know whether I should be writing all the good things that happened or do I talk about how I picked myself up from the chaos called my brain. 

2019, in a nutshell, was filled with self-doubt and insecurities. It was a question of whether I will make it through or do I just give up and see where life takes me. It was more of me seeing how others are progressing and then there is me sticking to my old beliefs and standing up for what I truly believe in. 

This year gave me a lot of pressure considering that my plans took a huge detour. Not only that, but my declining health was also showing. Weight gain in addition to worsened hormonal issues and internal conflicts every now and then. At a glance, you would think it was only a couple of pounds gained but it is taking its toll on my mood. Hormonal imbalance is hitting me right where my brain and my mood meet. It was not a walk in the park at all. 

I felt stagnant and unproductive this whole time. However, whenever I try to fill up my schedule with so many tasks, I end up not wanting to do them. Losing interest in doing the mundane stuff and just plainly locking myself up in the room until it is time for me to work. I lost my old passion and everything that used to fill up my soul because I was too focused on getting farther in my career. This proves to be an awful mentality as I am just going against myself. Preventing me from doing stuff I like because of ego and the societal pressure that my mind created. 

I hated the word "plot twist". Although it is a literary jargon, it has been abused in all sense of the word. However, there is indeed a plot twist in my year. Going back home was the retreat that I needed. I got back to my old familiar routine. Less screen time, more time talking to family and friends. I was able to meet my mentor back in Southcrest and she gave me really good pieces of advice. 

Moreover, as I was cleaning and going through my old stuff, I saw my old scrapbooks and notebooks and went through my old writings there. I realized I didn't grow much. I mean I still love my shoes, clothes, bags and books andddddd lots and lots of notebooks. My dreams are still the same. But right now, my priorities have changed. I prefer the quiet and simplicity in things and people that I surround myself in. I prefer to keep my mouth shut in things I do not seem to like. My opinion seems to hold value even to its smallest phrases so I would rather see people uncover things than for me to give them a premonition. I prefer to just focus on how to make myself better. Write things down. Appreciate small and big things. Open myself up to the world more. And just trust God more.