Life Questions and then some....

- March 18, 2021

This is a product of last night's insomnia, twisting and turning on my bed until 3 am pondering on what should I do with my life. I am pretty sure I have mapped out my life plans so well on paper that it is almost perfect. But when will I ever learn that our plans, no matter how many times we write them down, are not guaranteed unless it is in our destiny?

I know that compared to the people I know back home, things are better here because there is no lockdown and we can move around freely. However, that same local freedom is the same dilemma that I have because that is just what it is.... freedom within this country. What about my long-term plans? Will, it ever come to fruition or will I just be another speck of dust adding to this polluted world? When I first left home, I was happy--ecstatic with my newfound independence. It was finally the time when I can do anything I want and see if I can manage to live on my own. I guess I have proven that now. And the place that I am currently in, has become small for me. Faces have become familiar, coffee shops are starting to memorize my scheduled coffee time, saunas and spa centers seem to be familiar with my usual service and even nail salons know the time of the month I need to get my nails done.

The danger with too much familiarity has something to do with people knowing you better. When they know you, every nook and cranny of your being, you are not a mystery anymore. It will feel like your soul is bared for everyone to see and that is one type of vulnerability I am not willing to experience. Maybe it is the trauma of betrayal in the past or the fear that you do not know what would they hold against you when tough times come.

I am a patient person, but how much patience do I need to get what I want? Was I not working hard enough for me not to deserve the things that I want? Did I ever step on people just to get ahead in life? If there is one thing I am bad at, it is using people and throwing them under the bus after I get what I want. But it seems that people who do those things are getting what they want. I think in this cruel world, being nice is a double-edged sword and often it puts you on the losing end. Sometimes, I wonder how do I stop being nice and just be a bitch so I get what I want? Idk.

Indeed, sadness brings out the writer in us. These pictures have long been stored as a draft in my blog, but I do not know what to write at all. I clearly remember in one of my Literary Theories subject before that the age of Romanticism in Literature pertains to a recurring theme of isolation and admiration for nature. And I guess that is the significance of these scenic photos that I have gathered from some of the places I have visited here up north. Going out in nature just makes you breathe. It takes you back to simpler times wherein man would just have to be as one with the earth. No capitalistic ambitions, money is not the only source of happiness and there are no material things that can make your heart sing for joy.

Now, I am struggling to end this blog because there are so many things I want to write down but I can't find the words to describe them. It has just been so frustrating for me how I am happy to see the people who I have helped greatly, doing well in their lives. But I have not even helped myself at all and maybe this time, I should be more selfish with my time. I should prioritize myself more than anyone else from this moment on. I need to go back to that old self where I choose not to see anyone/anything else but my goals. This is the kind of attitude I need to serve from now on. Time is ticking, I need to get my shit together.